How Should I Feel?

I really want to pour out all that I feel like a river cascading furiously into the lower grounds but I'm afraid, sort of, that I'm not strong enough to, you know, tell people exactly how I feel.

There is this, uh, can't really say. I'm just so torn between all of the things!

Ratlled and Shaked

Barely months before the board exam and I can't help but be rattled. I'm close to breaking down but I know I never will. My spirit is low but hopes are high. I wanna get this thing to death and I know I haven't given my all. I don't wanna blame someone for being to late and in a hurry now. I have to go all over the subjects in the span of three weeks, perhaps.

Can i ever get them all in my mind with this short amount of time? I hope I will, there's no other for me. This will be the start of the realization of a dream, a trajectory to all places I wanna go.

But just sitting in my chair listening to the reviewer makes me ask myself, "Am I really for this?" I don't wanna answer it myself but I need to. It's a necessity. I wanna cry but I know it won't help. After the board, I will have to support myself. It's scaring the freak out of me but it's the way it should be. My parents are getting old and when they can no longer work, I want to be there for them.

Lord, help me please! I will give my all in this last minute in time. I need YOU!

Deprivation

Because it was I felt growing up,

I wonder if I really grew.

Locked in a cocoon — all but dark and gloomy,

Solitary confined, choice I had two:

Wait and I’ll be perfectly fine, though poker face can do sometimes.

Rush and I’ll die, as though waiting promises mellow chime!

To meet the end (I’m not yet prepared)

So I chose the first (weary and scared)

The place was black (pitch black to be exact) —

More than born blind; more than unborn dead.

Foundation seeks time to rest, hope to endure.

Of that thought, I filled the store.

Crawl to hear the cry with the last strain of courage,

All I want is to shout — the consuming myriad outrage

Of longing, of wanting, of dreaming

Sufficiently enough to tear the cover

Holding me back for seems a lifetime —

Secure with identity bound by serenity.

Of Realizing Dreams and Pensiveness

“Take care, son!” said Mom and Dad simultaneously, both beaming with optimism as I get aboard the bus that will take me to the beginning of things — the place where legend meets reality, at least for a hopeful soul from a small town like me. It will be the place where the first step will be stridden; the first letter will be scribbled; the first sigh will be relieved, the first dream will be fulfilled.

“Don’t forget to pray,” added my little sister with eyes that will yearn for me in a span of time shorter than that everybody expects. I know that for sure. I too, will miss her. Those days we both shared childhood stories and dreams bound by nothing but imagination will always be remembered.

I always wish time will pull itself backwards to those times. They were moments worth remembering — moments unmindful of the cruelties of the world; moments that brought, though frail, enduring hope; moments when nothing really matters but love... and play; moments when simple hugs can make each day complete. They were simple moments, yet they have this spark blazing like a burning bush that will take forever to extinguish.

I am on my way to Manila, the New York of this archipelagic country of more than thousand islands, be it high tide or low. They say, and I do somewhat believe, if I can make it there, I can somehow make it any where my aspirations will take me. Well, I’m a brave soul and was raised that way.

“I will!” I replied them with vibrant smile, the kind of smile I learned from watching Tyra Bank’s conceptualized reality show America’s Next Top Model — “smize”, smile with the eyes. I made sure to comfort and assure them that I’ll be okay with that smile. It came from the very fibre of my body where my soul and physical form bond, with its truest sincerity and love of them.

The chilling temperature of the bus creeps down my spine, or that’s just what I felt from within — a somehow coldness freezing me to be inert. I’m nervous, I admit. I can’t be too pretentious about that. Everybody gets into their nerves whenever they embark on something that presents nothing but uncertainty. That is where I’m heading. I’m moving towards millions of uncertainties that will, nevertheless, make or break me.

Deep in my thoughts, it is better to keep going and walk off in a direction where neither compass nor wind vain can correctly point. At least, in this way, in the end, no what if’s or, if even if there are, the question can be readily answered. The answer of course, is “Nothing.” Do nothing, say nothing, think nothing (though impossible), and surely, you’ll get... nothing.

I walk down the aisle to look for a seat. I wanted to have mine beside the window. I want staying there; I was just accustomed to. Maybe it was the view from there, or it was just me, or both.

I always wanted to look at the creations (Mother Nature) that delights my eyes whenever I’m on board — the mountains (though many are burned), its trees (though they are getting few); the winding roads (though some unpaved); the traffic and road signs; the rivers rushing down the mountain side (though chocolate-coloured); the green long plantations; the roadside stalls; etc. They remind me of every aspect of living. From childhood to teenage, they allegorically conveyed essential messages that one by one, I uncovered and still discovering.

As a child, I always like mountains with their peak of different level from each other. Every time I look at one, I see another higher than the previous. It just amused me. I even planned to have my house on one of them, at its summit, so I can see and reach almost everything. That was a childhood dream of course. With horrific news of mudslides and landslides today, who else wants to stay up there? Still, they are like my every little ambition. Each time I was able to achieve one, there comes another — higher and of course, more ambitious. That was back then, until I learned about Mt. Apo and, well, Mt. Everest (though they’re pretty literal).

Like the song, I wished (but my grade school teacher taught me that wishes never come true, so now I’m hoping), winding roads, will take me to the door open to welcome me in its warmest moment. I always come across metaphors about them — they best illustrate the trail to success: Each step, a leap of faith with strength oozing from the hope that one day, with each “careful step”, to borrow a phrase from Frank Sinatra’s classic song My Way, the end will meet. Will my own winding road take me to where I wanted it to lead me? Though that is a self-seeking question, there is no questioning if will it lead me where God wants me to be.

Traffic and road signs give directions but sometimes their reflecting light is blinding leading one astray. As a traveller in this foreign land (I speak here as a human referring to earth), I ought to follow them, lest I want to get lost and remain a slack wanderer in the middle of this time-bound life. I will follow directions; I promised that to myself from the day I realized that heeding, promises valuable things learned only from, yes, heeding.

For sure — the rushing rivers, the plantations, the roadside stalls — hide in them complex messages yet I need to decipher. Maybe it will take me more time, but waiting is always worth the time spent when lessons applies for life. I will wait for that. For sure, I will.

I walk pass each chair until I reach the seventh row to the left, seat number 26 and 27. No one’s there. I can have my favourite space! I sat down and put my travelling bag next to me and immediately look at the window. There are still Mom and Dad, and my little sister as well as Tatay and Nanay, as I affectionately call my uncle and aunt. I used to call them that because they were closest to like being my second parents. They were there when hard times whip, they advice just as well, they scold just as well, and they have hope in me just as well — like real parents. I thank God for them; they’re heaven sent.

I waved a hand for them and front that brave face (like I always did) as the engine ignited and set off. I sit there, my eyes still fixed at the sight of my love ones who I knew I’ll leave for a while to grab a moment in my one step at a time.

“I can do it...”

These are the only words that circle inside my mind as the bus drives away. I know, for certain, I will. Now, I’ll be facing a battle of wills and I decided to claim it early. Never mind that proverbial saying that warns someone not to count the chicks while the eggs are not yet hatched. It applies relatively. In this case it just doesn’t seem to fit now, or it’s just that that I believe otherwise.

I’m on for a new battle in an entirely new arena. Snap! Maybe, it’s the same battle I’ve been fighting for in my mind for long that now is coming to life. I stare at the window passing through all the sights I’ve prepared to see along the road. Then, maybe out of thinking so many things, from the time I stepped my feet in the bus to sitting, I fall asleep.

I got to myself when someone tapped me to ask if I won’t mind having a dinner or something. I didn’t hear it clear enough but I know for sure it’s about eating because we were at the bus stop, the place where passengers get to refresh and wind up a bit or get to eat. I’m not in the mood though but I decided to just get out of the bus. I just don’t like the feeling of sitting for hours and hours with my body feeling like stocked, it makes my nerves like frozen for years. Add the literally freezing temperature of the bus to that!

As I jump out the door, the refreshing warm wind soothes my icy cheeks reminding me that I’m still alive. I wonder how many stop over will I have in my journey toward my goals, stopping when I feel like hungry or slowing down whenever I’m tired. Everybody needs refreshing sometimes. So do I. It`s a refresher, a call to moderate ourselves to something we became addicted to; a whisper louder than a shout to distract our concentration on, sometimes, and they are most of the times, something we never really wanted to.

When life will become so comfortable, maybe, I will need, more than anything else, stops over. It`s something that will remind me to check my checklist from time to time. Have I achieved what I really wanted? Or, transcendently, is this what I really wanted? Before I was able to grasp for any answer to my would-be questions, someone’s calling us, the passengers, to get on board.

Consumed by my spur-of-the-moment thoughts, I hesitantly follow. It’s better to think while on a ride, I thought. As soon as I get comfortable in my seat, I fell asleep again. I just woke up when the fare collector said that we’re already at our destination. That sleep I had maybe wasn’t a peaceful one or I just dreamed of something because I feel more tired than walking.

I got to keep moving. I’m already in a place where dreams will eventually turn into realizations. I filled my mind with positive thoughts. My spirit needs to be awakened.

One. Two. Three. There’s no turning back now. It’s a no retreat no surrender set-up.

Then, I finally stepped my feet in the soil of the metropolis, the place where reality is harsher than in any city in the country. I got to be tough or else I will be trampled on by the animals roaming around this concrete jungle made of dreams.

Tears bursts as hurt pinches me to reality

Battled with hope to lose with dismay

This is life and it'll always be like this - life

Search then you'll find your place

Get hurt when things doesn't turn to as wanted

Though it's hard to accept, choices don't offer themselves

Make it on your own, though you know you never were

Cry if you must, but keep fighting

Try hard as you can

Pursue the miles

For only the strong can measure how far you can go

Though tears may blurry you vision

It cleanses then afterwards.

Cry if you must, but fight.

Cry if you must 'coz it hurts so bad.

Cry if you must 'coz it's the only thing you can do now.

Cry if you must but don't forgt what your heart wants...

A spur-of-the-moment thought

Threshold

Eyes were close and there was silence

Decided to forget, throw what you wanted

Each day a work, toil, a burden

At sunset, still, eyes were close

And louder was the whisper

The melody humming back

With a breath, life was back

The harmony seem to fit again

Blood oozing with the spirit

The same spirit that kept you steadfast

For long years that you waited

At the threshold you knew exactly where it’ll take you

Then maybe tired, you decided

Left that door and wandered

A wanderer you were, you went places

Rendezvous where you a soul stranger

Walking in alleys while shadows follow

Shadows in hue under light

It wasn’t you, and it wasn’t supposed to be you

Then, you close your eyes.

The whisper became louder

Melody back again, with lullaby

And harmony humming in the air

Luring to stand and perish not

At the threshold where you knew

Will take you to where you wanted to be.

Depths of the Past

If I reminisce the moments we shine,

Will I hear again you sweet resounding, "Your Mine."?

Will I feel again your warm body lying next to mine?

Or will I see again how your eyes beautifully shine?

If I will reminisce the moments we had,

Will you make me smile again when I am sad?

Will you let me in again, oh, my lad?

Or will yoou remind me again of things I luckily had?

If I reminisce the moments we love,

Will the world's revolution stop its flight

To watch us celebrate even after dawn kisses the night

Because for once I had you - my first love?

(I composed this poem in the Region 2 Higher Education Press Conference for the Poetry Making contest English category. Luckily it placed 3rd and I'm one one of the representative of the region the Luzonwide Presscon on February 2010. By the way the theme is first love so everyone got to make a poem even though some did not yet had any love experience.)

Decisions

Khenard got a message that on this day, God wants him to know...
... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.
You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

I wish a decision can be like - as easy as taking a walk in afternoon, just after the sun set. The harmful rays don't scare me anymore nor the problems that I might encounter the next day. It's like collecting back the memories of the chores I just have accomplished, that is, when I spend my day productively. Otherwise, maybe I'm just planning how to accomplish them at night while, still, taking a walk.

Will I double the benefit of the doubt I'm giving right now to my friends? It's a decision. Whether I will or just walk away and leave them and let enjoy each other's company. Anyway, they can always tell me they don't like me. (Oh, I think I really need to). Everybody knows, those things are better to be said than to let the other person feel it. It's more scarier. The people who keep silent are the more dangerous people. It's like the river or ocean. The calmer the deeper. And it most likely to drown you in its abyss.

Another decision to make: Delay gratification. Though I started it last night. I decided to better sleep even at dawn if it would mean accomplishing some things to be cleared before a deadline. This night is another night to decide.

An essential decision to make: Making-up with freinds. Yeah, I mean I need to mend up things before worse turn to worst. Maybe I invested much to waste.